i believe you | it's not your fault
notes from your big sibling
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by Anonymous
Our image of rape is so narrow - a violent stranger that both sexually assaults (with a penis) and batters someone. But as many people now know, it usually isn’t a stranger. And it isn’t always violent or with a penis. My assault was neither with a stranger nor violent. It was with my (now ex) boyfriend. It was with his fingers.
Our narrow idea of what rape looks like leads to many victims/survivors to deny their own experience and to feel invalidated which then leads to less assaults being reported and more assailants running free. It took me almost 3 years after we had broken up to acknowledge that what he had done was rape. It took me another 6 months to tell anyone.
The first time, it happened because of our different ideas of what “sex” means. This does not make it my fault. I said I didn’t want to have sex - we had just met at a party and went back to his place. He said that was fine then shoved some fingers in me. That was sex to me. That was rape.
The second time (and third and fourth and however many more times it happened), it was also with his fingers. This time, there was no misunderstanding. Ignorance was no longer an excuse - not that it was an acceptable excuse the previous time.
I was brushing my teeth at his house and he started fingering me. I said “stop,” I said “no,” I don’t remember how many times I said those words. I hit his hand away. I fled the room - that was the only way in the moment that it would stop, that he would stop. I had to put doors and walls between us for it to stop. He thought it was funny, harmless. It wasn’t. He did that many more times while we were together - each time I said no, each time he ignored me and my lack of consent. I was 17, he was 10 years older than me. He should have known better. He probably did know better.
I have never confronted him. I have never reported it. I probably never will.
I still have trouble saying “I was raped” out loud, even to myself, even while writing this. I have no problem saying I was violated, sexually assaulted, abused. I don’t know what it is with the R word, but it is just so hard for me to claim.
To anyone else out there like me: I believe you. It wasn’t your fault. It was rape. -
Recover is a complicated word. One can never be left unchanged by an awful trauma, but you do have the choice to address or respond to the trauma as you choose, pursuing the coping and healing approaches that are right for you. I’m still affected by the legacy of abuse, but I’ve built a wonderful life for myself and I know you can too. I’m so very sorry for what happened to you. - Magpie
Magpie is right, recover is a complicated word. A phrase I have been saying to myself lately is “what you were, you can’t be anymore” and that may sound depressing on the surface, but to me it’s been liberating. Realizing that the abuse I survived has in a way shaped me and changed me, but now here I am - a different creature from having gone through that, but the survival was mine, the healing was mine, and the future is mine. It took a long time to feel that way about it. I’m in my mid 30’s and just now feeling like I’m getting my shit together and my life is mine. But part of that was letting go of who I used to be, comforting the girl I was while not trying to get her back, and realizing that I get to determine for myself who I am now. We are all constantly breaking and healing and breaking and healing. Our scars that seemed garish at first multiply and fade to silvery lines that create a new pattern. We can all try to cover them up, or we can decide to show our face, to adorn the scars, to make them ours. You are strong and beautiful because you are here. I believe you, it’s not your fault. - Ijeoma
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by Anonymous
I’m currently 16 (nearly 17 yay). About a year ago I was going to go to Japan, or I should’ve gone anyway. At the start of last year everyone was getting excited about going to Japan at the end of the year (it was a school trip) and I was so ecstatic because I had been learning/practicing/WANTING to go to Japan for almost 4 years. My mum and I paid the first deposit and I made a small study book of all the things I might need to say in Japanese whilst I was there and how to cope with things I might see.
I’m autistic. I knew that if I went to Japan that it would take me way out of my comfort zone and so I spent hours and hours every day trying to prepare myself for that, however I had a sense of comfort knowing that teachers would be there to guide the rest of the students and I if we had any troubles.
Two weeks after the first deposit and my mum got an email from the head of department saying that she should re-think about letting me go on this trip. My mum was confused and made that known in the reply. We then got another email with more specific details: they didn’t want me to go because of my disorder. I was devastated, however I still wanted to give myself a chance and so I defended myself along with my mum. All that they would reply with is that “The child is more likely to cause hindrances and have difficulties with culture shock” and spouted all this stupid nonsense about what could possibly happen. All the things that they stated could happen to me, could happen to any of the other kids (especially the two who never pay attention in class, only know three basic sentences and were still allowed to go on the trip).
In the end I was given a choice; I either give up and don’t go or I get up in front of the entire school and give a speech in Japanese. This broke me.
I was being forced to face either missing the one chance to go to the country that I love or to do the one thing that scares me more than anything. My anxiety, while it had improved, was still something terrible that I had to face everyday. I couldn’t do it, that broke me even more.
All those years I had spent learning, trying and improving just to fit into today’s social normalities, all that effort I had put in just to try to be the tiniest bit ‘normal’ and all that effort I put into learning Japanese. It was all for nothing.
I fell into a spiral of depression after that, I stopped trying with school work. It suddenly didn’t make sense anymore, I didn’t want to even try to prove them wrong. I felt so betrayed by the few people who are supposed to guide and protect you, they’re your fucking guardians for gods sake. This went on for about six months.
Now, in less than a month I’m going to Japan with my mum because the school made a mistake in saying that if I had been in Japan before going on the Japanese trip, they would of let me go. So now I’m going the year before the next Japanese trip, to prove the suckers wrong.However I’m still scared, I’m still not very good at Japanese and I don’t want to be alone(my mum doesn’t know any Japanese so I have to be the tour guide basically). My anxiety has risen. Over the past few weeks. I’ve become so stressed that I’m gaining weight, I no longer excel at all my subjects, I’ve had so many mood swings and I’ve even started crying myself to sleep again.
But I’m going to get through it. I’m not going to let them win AGAIN. I’m going to prove to them that even though I’m already broken that I can still put myself back together again. I can do this, I hope.
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Oh goodness. First of all, you are being a good friend in trying to support and help her. Obviously listening is key, checking in with her, seeing what she needs, and getting her out to places she feels safe – maybe to your house or the movies or something distracting when she is ready. I would also gently urge her, often, to seek the help of a counselor or to talk to people she can trust about what happened. Even if she attends anonymous meetings for victims or calls up phones support lines – talking about it and processing it can be so very crucial to start to feel a sense of safety again. And know that you are not at fault. You are not guilty for what other people did after you left. You can’t control the decisions and behaviors of others. It isn’t your fault she got raped. Thanks for being a good friend to her. - JM
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I have to ask, what is it that you like about him? If someone called me names when I wasn’t acting in a way that benefitted them or pleased them, I would get far away from that person, especially if they were pressuring me sexually. Maybe he’s got some good qualities, but anyone who pressures another person sexually probably doesn’t have your best interest at heart. You are worthy of a better partner, one who treats you well and values you and your decisions about your boundaries, body, and needs. - JM
This guy may have a lot of great qualities, but honey, someone who pressures you into sex, who gives you the silent treatment, and who calls you names, is abusive. This is an abusive relationship, and I think part of you knows this, which is why you are here asking us about it. You are worth more than this, and there are men out there who will never make you feel like you have to do what they want in order to be a good girlfriend. The relationships you have now, at your age, can set a tone for your future relationships, and I really would hate to see you stuck with people who don’t love and respect you. You are strong enough to demand respect and kindness from your boyfriend, and if you don’t get it, you are strong enough to walk away. I believe in you. - Ijeoma
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I’m so sorry this is happening to you; this guy sounds like a tremendous jerk (and obviously a pathological liar). The best thing you can do is stay away from him and cut off all contact altogether. You can’t control what he says to other people about you, and while I know that makes you anxious, you should focus your energy instead on things you *can* control – specifically, moving on from your life and continuing to be the kind, honest, good person you are. The people who know who you really are and what you’re about won’t pay any attention to his pathetic attempts to slander you, anyway. (Also: these kind of dramas feel HUGE when they’re happening, but they almost always blow over before you know it, and people forget quickly). Carry on with your life and don’t let this nonsense weigh you down. - Caitlin
I’m so sorry this is happening. One thing to remember - the problem isn’t the dude saying shit about you (he’s obviously got his own issues, but he’s not in your life for good reason) it’s the people listening to him and not telling him to shut the hell up. When you hear anything coming back to you from friends or aquaintences, simply ask “what did you tell him then?” and if they say anything other than “I told him to shut up” then you can say, “I don’t know why you’re telling me then. I can’t control him, and I can’t stop people like you from listening to him, so telling me just upsets me. If people who know me aren’t going to tell him to shut up and stop lying, then I’d rather not know about it.”
Please also know, that people do this - spread malicious lies after they’ve been rejected - to still feel powerful and to still feel like they matter in your life, even if only negatively. You can confront this however you feel is necessary, but you may find that refusing to let his words into your life is the best revenge.
Also, please note that your university DOES have the responsibility to protect you from harassment from other students and this IS harassment. You may want to reach out to a school counselor or administrator to see what they can do. - Ijeoma
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I think you’re also dealing with the more subtle, but just as devastating, issue that your parents did nothing to confront your uncle. I’m glad they believed you, certainly. A lot of people aren’t so lucky and have parents who blame the child for the abuse.
Family dynamics are tricky, especially among adults. Maybe your parents actually did confront him without you knowing. Maybe they didn’t want to let you know because they wanted to protect you and help you move on from it faster. There could be all sorts of issues involved that the 12-year-old you didn’t know. That doesn’t make it right, however.
You said you haven’t moved on from what happened, but don’t mention specifics. I don’t know if that means you can’t have healthy relationships, mistrust people in general, or just your uncle. Please feel free to write back if there’s more we can help with on those subjects.
If you’re feeling brave enough, maybe you could ask your parents about it. Don’t be surprised if they don’t remember the incident like you do, though. It’s amazing what people will forget, deliberately or as a result of age. We believe you, and send you healing light. - Melanie
Inappropriate behavior in a family generally happens within a system that allows it to function. That is, adults have to agree on several levels to “look the other way” or justify the behavior by saying that the person is mostly “harmless.” For them, it is easier to create a family culture where abuse and inappropriate behavior is normalized than it is to confront and fix what is wrong. Generally those who end up paying for that way of functioning are children, who can’t protect themselves and who are not protected by any adults. I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. It was wrong and inappropriate. More so, it was devastating that your parents didn’t advocate for you and protect you. I’m so sorry. I urge you to work with a counselor if you haven’t already. They can help you to process the betrayal and vulnerability you experienced and perhaps give you the tools to reopen the conversation with your parents if you wish to. Much goodness to you. - Jill
What your uncle did was a violation, and criminal. You have absolutely every right to feel violated by him, and hurt by your family for not believing you. I was abused by my uncle and nobody believed me. The pain from not being believed was worse than the pain from the assault. It wasn’t because they didn’t love me - they did and do love me very much. It was a shitty and selfish act of self-preservation on their part, to pretend nothing happened rather than admit that someone they love had hurt someone else that they love. But that’s not my fault, that’s their weakness. A therapist really helped me work through it, and realize that even if my family didn’t believe me, I had a right to set boundaries and to feel safe - which for me meant refusing to be around my uncle and refusing to apologize for it. But a counselor will help you determine what you need to feel safe and secure. We believe you, it’s not your fault. - Ijeoma
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Hi Friend. You’re not sick, perverted or a bad person. You’re not into bestiality. You’re normal. My best friend’s little brother used to get the family dog to lick his penis and liked to come into her room to show her. When you’re exploring your body and pleasure, it’s not unusual to rub up against stuffed animals, household appliances or pets–especially when you don’t have a partner to experiment with. If it makes you feel guilty with your dog, you don’t have to do it anymore. Please be kind and forgive yourself. - Melanie
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I am so sorry this happened to you. I had an experience while in a foreign country where a man exploited my lack of understanding and the fact that I was alone. It was not as bad as what these boys did to you, and there is no excuse for that kind of behavior. Sexually violent attitudes towards women are present in various degrees in pretty much every culture. The only recourse I think we have as targets of sexual harassment and abuse is to band together and tell our stories. Expose disgusting behavior and collectively take a stand against it. It is so important to talk to each other - there is strength there. Thank you for sharing your story, and by doing so, empowering other people to tell theirs. Together, we can hold abusers accountable for their actions, and hopefully help prevent others from being abused in the future. - Amelia
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Anonymous asks:
So is your whole profile dedicated to rape and sexual assault victims? Sorry if I sound hateful I'm just wondering.
The majority of people writing in are survivors of sexual assault, but we have many different stories here - depression, coming out, anxiety, substance abuse - if you want to see more of what we have, check out our index.